In desperate need of help!
Please look over my essay for Johns Hopkins.
A question often asked to students by their teachers: "What would you like to become when you grow up?" My classmate had responded to the question by saying that she would like to work in a candy shop so that she could eat candy all day. Following her response I answered with a serious expression on my face, saying that I would like to become a doctor. My response, so certain compared to my peers' colorful responses, brought out a laugh from my kindergarten teacher. She responded by telling the parents visiting for Career Day that I seemed ready for medical school already. Wrinkling my nose in distaste at the prospect of more school, I replied by saying that I wanted to become a doctor because I liked the "superhero capes" that they wear. That drew even more laughs from the adults in the room. Little did I know that there was truth in my answer- doctors are indeed heroes in everyday life.
Becoming a doctor has been my aspiration since childhood. The reason behind this decision in the beginning may have been shallow, but my desire later grew on more logical grounds. My sister has had eczema since she was one month old. My family, extremely anxious as to how it would affect her life, looked towards our pediatrician for help. The way our pediatrician guided and comforted us through our crisis made me realize that I would like to similarly help others, and my heart hasn't changed course since. Doctors are an important part of a community and I want to make a difference in people's lives. I enjoy helping people out, whether it is a matter of giving some advice or being there when someone needs some support. Becoming a doctor is a great way for me to get out into the world and help those in need.
Curious even as a child, the concept of my sister's eczema confused me - why my sister got it and not me, why she itches when she touches silk while I can wear the dresses without the slightest irritation, what causes her allergic reactions. I asked many questions as a child, questions that had answers much too complicated for my youthful mind to comprehend. Questions were always either left unanswered or received answers much too vague, and I found myself frustrated, constantly hunting for answers. At school, I found the answer to my questions: science. Intrigued by the many aspects of science and the intricate ways by which our bodies and everything around us work, science became my favorite subject. Disease-causing genetic mutations; Einstein's much heard of, but less understood theory of relativity; the combination of two monosaccharides through the process of dehydration synthesis- science knows no limits. By high school, my passion for the sciences set my resolve to become a doctor. I walk into my AP Biology class everyday excited, knowing that I will be learning something new, complex, and interesting. I love finding out the "why" behind everything that happens in the world around us, such as the cause of my sister's eczema and our genetic makeup. The knowledge that science makes our lives easier in many ways, such as immunizing us from potentially detrimental illnesses, fascinates me.
Within the subject of science, there is always something new you can learn; it is forever growing, changing, evolving. My love for the sciences and my desire to help others makes the career of a doctor perfect for me. Combine this with my love for children and understanding of the desperate lengths parents go through for their children's health and you get the ideal candidate for a pediatrician. I believe that attending Johns Hopkins can help me reach this ambition and satisfy my thirst for knowledge by preparing me for medical school with its array of majors, resources, and opportunities. It would provide me with the high level of education I seek with its challenging and motivating classes, as well as a rich and meaningful college experience. Majoring in biology or physics at the Krieger School of Arts and Sciences would bring me one step closer toward reaching my goal. This university offers its students many means by which they can stimulate their minds and grow as a person, and I hope that I may become a part of and contribute to the Johns Hopkins community.
Any and all comments/criticism is welcome.
Science constantly grows . I am a curious personWhose brain is always growing with knowledge. Since I was young I have always had an interest in the animals I saw in the woods, or the fish I saw in the lake. I wanted to watch them live and see what they did . Biology is the study of ever-changing life. New species can form any second , and in my mind those changes bring new learnings and ideas . Science has always interested me because of the never ending knowledge.
Your sentence structure needs variation. There is also a lot of redundancy in your sentences. We know science is a subject, that you are a person, and that biology is a subject.
My interest in biology as a young girl gave more knowledge than a person who just began learning. I used to ask my parents to buy all of the science books at school book fairs . I would want the mini labs like digging for dinosaur bones in sand. I looked forward to learning more.
More vivid detail would add to this paragraph. Do you have an anecdote you remember?
I longed to get into high school so I could learn more. The middle school science classes were too simple : They were very slow moving and I just wanted to learn as much as I could. Freshman year I took the sophomore biology course . I waited for that class to come every day because I enjoyed the biological branch of science the most. While other kids were grossed out by the dissections of the squid or the frog, I was pre-occupied with all of the new things to learn! I was so excited to discover that the squid has a plastic-like spine, or that... . I wasn't the girl afraid of touching a dead frog. I didn't care. All I wanted to do was learn.
Watch out for repetition of words in near-by sentences.The story reveals more about your character than merely describing what you like about science. Making the whole paragraph an anecdote would be stronger than talking about your love of science because it shows the reader, rather than telling them:
"Freshman year I took the sophomore Biology class, looking forward to it every day. While the teacher droned to other students, I ate up the lectures which fed my eager mind. While other students squirmed at the frogs and squids ready for dissection, I dove in, incising and prodding; I marveled at the squid's plastic spine and the frog's maze of arteries. While some merely learned, I experienced.
To me, science is the most important subject. It is always expanding. In science, new things are discovered every day. I am the kind of person who wants to know all of the new things. I am interested in science because it is by far the most exciting thing to learn about.
This paragraph is unneeded. By now, your essay should already have told your reader why science interests you, and this just serves as a cliched ending.